I work in a busy, massive library in NYC. I mostly work with kids, teens, parents, and teachers. New York is diverse as hay-ell as you may have heard, so I get all kinds of questions. From the typical homework questions and book recommendations to “Can I borrow the Krazy Glue?” (as if we have a tube of public use super glue in the kid’s library)  to “Can I have a list of photo-realistic didactic picture books from the 1970s?” to “I need a 2nd grade non-fiction time travel chapter book” to “Are you single?” to “Can you ask that baby to stop crying?” to “Can I be like this in here?” (said by a very sweaty man without a shirt on), we get it all in New York. However, there are certain questions I get over and over again. You probably do too. So, I’m here to help. Let’s get started.

Q: How do you get your hair that color?

A: What a relevant and wonderful question.

Well, people. It takes an ass-load of bleach, which hurts like hell. It stings my scalp so bad that I scratch my head through the plastic cap like I’ve got lice that have crabs. Sometimes I just open up the freezer and stick my sizzling-like-bacon head inside. Then I wash that out. Then I marvel that my hair looks like dehydrated albino straw. THEN, I mix a delightful cocktail of really cheap conditioner (think like a VO5 or a Suave) and a tiny bit of Manic Panic’s Cotton Candy Pink. I super-saturate every stupid strand of my dead, beaten, and busted hair. I wrap a babushka/schmatta around my head. I watch Real Housewives (preferably of Atlanta or New York) or maybe some Adventure Time. In a couple of hours, I wash the whole mess out. Tada. I’m a 34 year old librarian with severe arrested development and Pepto-Bismol-colored hair. Aren’t you glad you asked?

Q: You know who you look like? 

Unfortunately, no one ever says I look like Enid.

Unfortunately, no one ever says I look like Enid.

A: Yeah. That chick from that show.

If you’re a patron of a certain age, you love to tell me that I look like this chica from a show I’ve never watched called Criminal Minds. I never watch it because Criminal Minds seems like SVU and I only like SVU and Ice-T is my favorite actor. Anyway, her name is Kirsten Vangsness and all of Brooklyn is atwitter that she’s my long lost twin. This is her:


Damn. I actually would wear that sweater.


I am strangely in need of this outfit.

I am strangely in need of this outfit.

So, yes, yes. We’re both nerdy, glasses-wearing, quirky-dressing chicks with round faces and big knockers. Whatever. It used to bug me when people made the comparison, but now it’s just part of my week. If anyone thinks I can make some money off looking like Kirsten Vangsness, please let me know. Mama needs a new pair of shoes. Hire me for your next party.

Q: Where’s the bathroom?


to the left

You’re welcome, everyone.


About magpielibrarian

Youth Services Librarian, Mediocre Crafter, Urban Magpie, Glitter Addict, and Worshiper of Ridiculous Outfits, Emerging Leader 2012, Former Rainbow Book List Member, and GLBT RT Director-at-Large! This is what a librarian looks like, kids.

6 responses »

  1. bmljenny says:

    Oh. My. God, that IS where the bathroom is.

  2. Tess says:

    HAHAHA! That’s so true! I get all those questions! (Except the answer to “You know who you look like? That girl from that show?” is Zooey Deschanel. Really the only resemblance I bear is we both have bangs. But she’s pretty cute, so I’ll take it. Once someone told me I look like Katy Perry. I think they were high.)

  3. Shannon says:

    You are prettier. 🙂

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